he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
