If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
