i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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