my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
