i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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