woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
