i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
