He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
