Already got asked if we're dating
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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