i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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