Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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