the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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