Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
