Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
