i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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