it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My liver just had a heart attack.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
