i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
not ubering you a puppy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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