He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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