I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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