Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think I won the penis lottery.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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