from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
