I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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