I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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