im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
