Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
