Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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