i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
