fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
