I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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