dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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