i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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