I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
