Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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