New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
