you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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