the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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