someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
