Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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