I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
