I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
