he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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