It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
