I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
