I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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