when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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