Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this just has baby written all over it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize