So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
