the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
