they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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