if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
