i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
