Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize