I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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