Moan for me like Helen Keller
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
