Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
