Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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