You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
