my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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